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Biscuit Love
She's a real self-riser
She's up with the dawn
A splash of cold water
Then she puts her powder on
She's got a bit of fat in her
From that she can't escape
She downs a glass of buttermilk
And starts to take shape
She goes into the fire
But she can take the heat
She comes out golden brown
Looking good enough to eat
She's a little bit flaky
She's lighter than air
So smooth and round and steamy
You can't help but stare
I come down to the kitchen
My stomach starts to growl
She's lying on the table wrapped in nothing but a towel
(Chorus)
Biscuit love
Biscuit love
Good Lord above
I want my biscuit love
You can try another love but I wouldn't risk it
Ain't nothing in this world like a homemade biscuit
Biscuit love
I like her with sausage
I like her with ham
I like to cover her in butter
And lick off all her jam
I don't mean to be crude
I don't mean to be fickle
But you can keep your loaf of white, wheat, rye or pumpernickel
Keep your cornbread, soda bread, crackers or scones
If you're serving English muffins you'll be dining all alone
I don't want a croissant
Or a bagel with a schmear
Good golly, Miss Molly
Get your bialy out of here
Yes, I thank the Lord for my daily slice of bread
But what I really wish He'd give me is a biscuit instead
(Chorus)
Flour power
You know you can't resist it
Have a biscuit, baby
BACK
I Cannot Find Love
Columbus found the world was round and sailed across the sea
An apple fell on Newton's crown and he
found gravity
Toulouse-Lautrec said "what the heck" when he found the Moulin Rouge
The Donners found a shortcut but soon were
in the soup
Me? I found a quarter once, wedged behind
my couch
I find as I grow older I'm becoming such a grouch
But all my money I would give and I would
be so kind
If I could have just one thing
One thing I cannot find
I cannot find love
No matter where I roam
Away or close at home
I can't find love
I've got my maps and my compass
Eyes peeled, I've surveyed the terrain
Through inclement weather
I've worn out shoe leather
Yet my journey's been in vain
I cannot find love
I've searched both near and far
On land, and from the stars, a bird's-eye view
But I've come to the conclusion
Love must be an illusion
For I cannot find love
Do you suppose that Moses thought he'd find the Promised Land
Miss Scarlett found Rhett Butler frankly could not give a damn
Vasco da Gama enjoyed the panorama when he found that cape
Richard Nixon wished no one had ever found
those tapes
Amelia Earhart found she should have booked
a later flight
When Samson got a haircut, he found he'd lost
his fight
Me? I'd fly around the world
I'd take on every foe
If I could find your heart again
And hear you love me so
But I cannot find love
No matter where I roam
Away or close at home
I can't find love
Once I thought that I'd found love
I hastened to stake out my claim
But love changed its address
And left my heart homeless
Calling out your name
I cannot find love
I've searched both near and far
On land, and from the stars, a bird's-eye view
But I've come to the conclusion
Love must be an illusion
For I cannot find love
Yes, I've come to the conclusion
Love must be an illusion
For I cannot find love
BACK
Lost At Sea
I live within a photograph of you and I at sea
We'd set sail from the coast of Maine, we were running for the Keys
The light upon your hair
Our faces free of care
We were fishing the frontside of all that was to be
We'd wake to morning breakers' spray 'neath skies so clear of cloud
Like modern Ishmaels, we watched as whales breached off the bow
We chased across the blue
'Til we'd catch a crescent moon
Our nights were filled with stars and dreams and vows
But somewhere past the Carolinas, the weather warnings came
We felt the backing winds and then the pelting of the rain
When lightning struck the mast
It seemed the die was cast
We held on tight and prayed for better days
And we were
(Chorus)
Lost at sea
Inside a storm wanting to bury you and me
Baptized by waves, we were tossed into the gale
We called for help to no avail
Can't you see
In you I've found all I could ever need
I'm moored within your heart
I'll always be
But without your love
I am lost at sea
We rode the ocean's crest and fall all through that afternoon
The tempest seemed to hold back time, the hours struggling to get through
But sometime in the night
The storm gave up its fight
It left us pardoned and out to sea it flew
We raised the sail to the damaged mast, it filled with air once more
We found Polaris in the sky and plotted out our course
I saw my own surprise
Reflected in your eyes
When we landed, scarred, but safe upon the shore
For we were
(Chorus)
Back home a thousand miles from harm, the sea still sought its toll
For though the storm refused our lives, it held fast to our souls
No matter how we tried
The pain we could not hide
A kiss goodbye and the tide pulled us below
To youth, life seems as open water, the direction ours to choose
It's only when we are miles away we see all we had to lose
I have spent my life adrift
Your memory my gift
A mariner, lost and haunted, bound for you
And I am
Lost at sea
Inside this storm wanting to bury me
Baptized by waves, I'm tossed into the gale
I call for help to no avail
Can't you see
In you I've found all I could ever need
I'm moored within your heart
I'll always be
But without your love
I am lost at sea
I'll always be
Without your love
Lost at sea
BACK
When I Grow Up I'm Going To Be A Veterinarian
When I grow up I'm going to be a veterinarian
Not a contrarian
But one who cares
I would not accept a nickel
From any pet who's in a pickle
Although they're free to give me licks for their repairs
I would take the snakes to see a dermatologist
Not a urologist
That would be wrong
We'd determine a rendition
For their shedding skin condition
Maybe they could keep their clothes on all year long
I would catch myself a salmon
Take her down to Alabam'
And get her hooked on southern hospitality
I would welcome every puma
With a fine "how do you do"
And hope he doesn't show his thanks by eating me
I would brush the teeth of every hippopotamus
It's not preposterous
Now open wide
I would polish 'til they glossed
Say "You know it's hip to floss"
And if they needed them, then braces I'd prescribe
I would take pit bulls to see a pet psychologist
See what the problem is
They're such a fright
I would teach them to play "Pit"
Or "Crazy Eights" or "Spit"
If they're playing cards, perhaps they wouldn't bite
I'd take owls on an outing
See if they can't stop their pouting
I'd teach calisthenics to a kangaroo
I'd offer mammograms for mammals
Humpectomies for camels
I'd treat hyenas with hiatal hernias too
I would ask important questions of the toucan
Like "Why have two cans? Why not have four?"
I would pour a tall carafe of wine
And serve it to a giraffe of mine
The crick in his neck would bother him no more
When an otter's feeling hotter than she oughter
I'll use a thermometer
Though I'm not sure where
I would diagnose a grouper
To see if it had croup
Or is it something worse
Perhaps it's swimmer's ear
So if your bengal's got the shingles
Or your lovebirds will not mingle
If your tufted puffin's sufferin'
Do not fret
If your goat has got the gout
Tell him we can work it out
When I grow up I'll be your vet
BACK
Washington Square
New York, New Year's Eve
A city under siege
From paper hats and little plastic horns
They've been drinking for days
And really, what better way
To face our fear of the future
Than to treat the past with so much scorn
From the shadows of the Village
I watch the revelers' pilgrimage
A falling ball they've all gone to see
And I find myself praying
Giving thanks for another new year
But Lord, don't let that ball fall on me
(Chorus)
Washington Square
Has seen its share of the best and the worst we have to give
It has buried the bones
And carried the poems
Of those who might and those who never will
And I am taking my place 'neath the arch's embrace
And howling up at the moon
Holding your hand
Looking toward the end of the world
And hoping that it won't be too soon
Life here on Thompson Street
Where the schoolers and foolers meet
Is where I'm trying to sort it all out
From the hustlers and shams
To the mothers and prams
To those looking to get lost
And to all of us who've been found out
We're all under surveillance
As we seek some conveyance
Just a moment when truth has its way
Until that moment comes
I drop a quarter in the cup
And have myself a nice day
(Chorus)
I swear the way that it feels sometimes
Is like I've lost all appeals
And I'm falling apart at the seams
From out of love's coffers
About the best I can offer
Is my weird sense of humor
And this hole in my dreams
Then from the midst of the rabble
The scrum and the scrabble
All my fears you erase
Just to see you standing next to me
With such love in your eyes
And that beautiful smile on your face
(Chorus)
Yes, I'm holding your hand
Looking toward the end of the world
And hoping that it won't be too soon
BACK
Would You Like A Massage?
New York is full of tension
It's beyond my comprehension how we all stay sane
Or how we all refrain from committing Murder One
The subways seem bucolic
When compared with those psychotic cabs careening down the street
Endangering everyone they meet
But wait
I've only just begun
At the slightest provocation
Car alarms have conversations that last on into the night
I am grinding down my molars
Turning more and more bipolar
Without sleep, I might ignite
But then you say to me
Those words that set me free
Would you like a massage?
Oh, honey, sweeter words were never said
Just like Lazarus, I'm risin' from the dead
Your healing hands are no mirage
Would you like a massage?
Knead me baby, that's k-n-e-a-d
You've a pleasing kinesiology
And a sexy effleurage
Now my lumbar's unencumbered
You soothed my sacroiliac
You've got my pelvis loose as Elvis
Oh, I like it like that
But there's one thing left for you to do
Turn around dear
And I'll massage you
Miss Liberty is said to say
As long as you're not dead
You all may come and visit me
Just haul your masses 'cross the sea
And breathe the precious air of freedom
But I think Miss Liberty'd admit
She invited more than could actually fit
And we're all full of Bronx cheer
Don't even think of parking here
We're all full up and then some
I don't mean to be boring
But my blood pressure's soaring
Like my rent it's through the roof
All this kvetching has me retching
I don't think that it'd be stretching
To say that I am living proof
Of a man who's lost his way
But then I hear you say
Would you like a massage?
What's that? You say you'd like to rub my feet?
I hope you can find them, they're so petite
My toes await your patronage
Would you like a massage?
Knead me baby, that's k-n-e-a-d
You've a pleasing kinesiology
And a sexy effleurage
Now my ligaments are lining up, expressing their devotion
As all my troubles slide away 'neath your oils and lotions
But there's one thing left for you to do
Turn around dear
And I'll massage you
Yes, there's one thing left for you to do
Turn around dear
And I'll massage you
BACK
ESPN Is My Girlfriend†
Warm greetings and welcome to this tale of modern love
Which has more to do with jocks than valentines or turtledoves
I may be no Dan Patrick but I have a lot to say
Regarding matters of the heart and the games we like to play
I've seen my share of romance but I'm not keeping score
I've drooled the drool of regret on the pillow of remorse
I tried living in the fast lane but I found I'm not that swift
I put the biscuit in the basket, but other times, the whiff
Though I was rejected, I managed to rebound
'Cause nothing can compare with this new love that I found
ESPN is my girlfriend
ESPN is my girlfriend
ESPN is my girlfriend
I think she's en fuego
Well, ever since we hooked up, I'm no longer alone
She tells me all her stories
She feeds my highlight jones
What's happening with the Yankees? How about the Crimson Tide?
We go inside the huddle
She keeps me satisfied
What's brewing in Milwaukee? Just how bad are the Twins?
Did you know about the lock-out? Have the Raiders moved again?
She beats me like a rented goalie
I tell you it's sublime
We have Sunday conversations that go into overtime
She's got the scoop on all the hoops, she even tells me jokes
But don't bother with the Red Sox
You know they always choke
ESPN is my girlfriend
ESPN is my girlfriend
ESPN is my girlfriend
She causes premature jocularity
I was once a peak performer
I'd shoot from way downtown
But now my happy happy joy joy is starting to break down
I've heard that a good craftsman will never blame his tools
But when I try for full extension now
I hurt the family jewels
So I sit here on my sofa, day to day, but aren't we all?
Back, back, back, I view the replays as I judge the umpire's call
I watch the latest NASCAR race to see who takes a spin
And, like everyone, I pray each night to see Dick Trickle win
I'm not ashamed of this new love, to her I'll be devout
For I know she'll never leave me unless the cable's out
ESPN is my girlfriend
ESPN is my girlfriend
ESPN is my girlfriend
Lug nuts - nothing but lug nuts
ESPN is my girlfriend
ESPN is my girlfriend
ESPN is my girlfriend
Dah dah dah, dah dah dah
† ESPN Is My Girlfriend features some of my favorite catch phrases from my favorite network. It is not supported, endorsed, or sponsored by ESPN, Dan Patrick, Dick Trickle, NASCAR or any team mentioned in the lyrics of this song.
BACK
The Museum
I sit surrounded by the cardboard U-haul boxes
of my life
I haul these boxes through another move
Another town
Another try
Go through the motions
Unpack the dishes
Hang the clothes up
Put the books back on the shelves
Keep moving forward
No time for wonder
Or for sorrow
Or reflection
No time for asking why
I've made the bed
The dog's been fed
I've recorded a new message for the phone
And as I glance around the room
I think that, all in all, it looks like home
It's then I see it
One last box
Unmarked
Unopened
And yet, I know just what's inside
The siren calling
And though I realize the price I'll pay
I cut through time
And tape
And free the ghosts
(Chorus)
It's like some kind of museum
And I am sifting through the artifacts of ancient days
And I serve as its curator
Charged with caring for a past that cannot be replaced
And I guard against intrusion
By anyone who'd dare to harm your memory
Taking comfort in the thought
That all that I am caring for
Once cared for me
Dust off the past to find the words we shared in letters bundled neat
Like shards of brittle pottery, they speak of broken promises and dreams
The happy couple
Face the future
Caught in photograph
Preserved 'neath glass and frame
Forever smiling
So unaware their best and worst is over
Their time complete
I gently place the photographs and letters in the box from whence they came
But like some traveling exhibition, no matter where I go, they haunt me just the same
Into this still life
I hear their pet names
Words of argument
And tenderness
And hope
Into this cloistered existence
The cost of love is always on display
(Chorus)
Yes, I take comfort in the thought
That all that I am caring for
Once cared for me
BACK
Sweet Tea
Well, every summer 'round the Fourth of July
I say goodbye to the city and away I fly
I go down to Alabama, outside of Birmingham
To see my momma and my brother and my sister Cam
You can find them all residin' in the countryside on Silly Dean Road
Well, the heat way down in Dixie'll turn you
into a slug
It can grab you like your fat Aunt Ruth and
give you a hug
It'll have you gettin' nekkid, but don't go too far
Keep your shorts on, shuck your shoes off
Step on in that back yard
Sink yo' toesies in some posies
Smell the roses and relax for awhile
(Chorus)
Sweet tea
Sweet iced tea
Sugar, pour me just a taste of yo' sweet iced tea
Then darlin' scoot yo'self on over
Come sit next to me
I love to share yo' southern hospitality
I don't want me no mint julep
Just yo' sweet tea on my two lips makes me smile
All you need's a little water, bring it up to a boil
Then you add a bunch of tea bags, let 'em
sit for awhile
Next you pour in lots of sugar and some
cold water too
Over lots of ice and lemon, what a heavenly brew
Served in mason jars or china
There ain't much that could be finer in this world
You can shop the Piggly Wiggly or the A&P
But don't you spend yo' hard earned money on no sto'-bought tea
With a little love and effort, you will never fail
You'll be happy as a puppy, you'll be waggin' yo' tail
If you're feelin' kinda testy
A taste of sweet tea'll make you zesty every time
(Chorus)
No, I don't want me no mint julep
Just yo' sweet tea on my two lips makes me smile
BACK
Ilena Or Irena
Ilena or Irena
I don't even know your name
But ever since I seen ya'
My life ain't been the same
Ilena or Irena
I'm not sure who to call
Information has no listing
For the fairest of them all
We almost met
We almost fell in love
The way you almost wore that dress
I knew you must be from above
I was standin' at the bar
You were dancin' 'cross the room
When your eyes met mine
My heart went bing! bang! zoom!
Ilena or Irena
Your red hair was on fire
As you twirled to the music
I was aflame with desire
I asked the bartender
Tell me please who you were
He said Ilena or Irena
Of the two he wasn't sure
You may be "Miss Right"
You may be "Miss Wrong"
At this point it doesn't matter
'Cause it's been so long
I don't want a Juanita
I don't want a Peggy Sue
I want Ilena or Irena
The name you answer to
Oh, Ilena
Or Irena
Well, damn my shyness
Damn my fear
I was working up my courage over one last beer
I laid my money on the counter
But when I turned around
Ilena or Irena
Was nowhere to be found
Ilena or Irena
I don't know where to start
When you left with your name
You took a piece of my heart
I was too shy
And now I have to pay
Fifteen dollars per line
For every word I want to say
But the price of love is cheap
I'd be willing to pay double
If we could be an item
If we could be a couple
I'm singing this song
I'm not seeking any fame
Ilena or Irena
For God's sake, what's your name?
BACK
Always Lonely
(Chorus)
Always lonely
Always blue
Always thinking about you
Always asking where you are
Always wondering why we're apart
Not a day goes by
That I don't miss
The sound of your voice
The taste of your kiss
First you gave your heart
Then you walked away
The echoes of promises are all that remain
(Chorus)
Did you hide the moon?
Did you steal the stars?
They held all the dreams we shared
I can't find them anymore
Ever once look back?
Ever ponder what might have been?
Ever long for the chance to be
In each other's arms again?
(Chorus)
Always lonely
Always blue
Always thinking about you
BACK
I'm Dating My Dog
Oh, I'm dating my dog
Yes, I'm dating my dog
Don't get ill
It's nothing physical
He's just the only one who answers when I call
And he's there for me when I fall
My dog
Oh, I'm dating my dog
Yes, I'm dating my dog
We go for walks in the moonlight
With just the occasional pause
He's got the biggest brown eyes you ever saw
My dog
(Chorus)
So this is what it's come to
This is where I'm at
My last "Miss Right," she done me wrong
You might say I'm having trouble dealing with that
And my friends, they all assure me that I'll recover
They say a new love's around the corner with a heart that's true
But in a city of nine million people
I cannot find you
And so until I do
I'm dating my dog
Oh, I'm dating my guitar
Yes, I'm sparkin' my guitar
Why, don't fret
It's nothing physical
Though she happens to wear a G-string
She's got the longest neck you've ever seen
My guitar
Oh, I'm dating my guitar
I'm pitchin' woo with my guitar
I like to pick at her
But she can take it
You might say we're of one accord
When you date a guitar you're never bored
My guitar
(Chorus)
Yes, in a city of nine million people
I cannot find you
And so until I do
I'm dating my dog
And I'm dating my guitar
And I'm dating my dog
BACK
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